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... have to be subjected to either of them. ⏎Gosick ⏎ Rating: 3 (of 5) ⏎ Review: ⏎ I said it when I reviewed the Gosick light novel, and I'll say it again: it's hard to go wrong with a loli tsundere detective girl. Studio BONES seems to agree, staying true to the original as they adapt the period mystery series into one of the few decent offerings this barren winter season. ⏎ The story begins in an alternate early-20th-century Europe, where the decidedly foreign Kazuya Kujo attends a prestigious school in the pretty-sure-it-wasn't-in-Hetalia nation of Saubure. One day, a chance encounter brings Kujo face-to-face with another outsider: Victorique, a doll-like blonde who spends all day in the botanical garden at the top of the school library because she's too smart and too bored to hang out with the plebes. Instead, Victorique's daily brain exercises come from Grevil, a daffy police inspector who comes to her with cases that she solves on the spot while he takes the credit. However, the latest whodunit leads Victorique and Kujo to accept a ominous invitation aboard a cruise ship... and that's where the fun really starts. Unfortunately, that's also where the episode ends. ⏎ Much as I hate saying it, Gosick does get better later on—well-developed mysteries are not the kind that achieve greatness in a single episode. But the opener does enough things right to keep viewers interested: the setting carries much of the visual appeal, with rich details and pastel tones that make up the rolling countryside, the quaint city streets, and the gorgeously decorated garden where Kazuya and Victorique meet for the first time. (Too bad they won't be seeing that place again for a long while.) The characters, despite being fairly typical archetypes, have their charm points too: Victorique with her eccentric rolling around on the floor, the inspector with his self-assured dandyism. Elegant pretend-classical music in the background adds the final touch in evoking the right time and place, and if the script works out as planned, our loli tsundere detective girl and her Japanese friend should have one hell of an adventure on that boat. Trust me on this. I've read the book. ⏎ Gosick is available streaming on Crunchyroll. ⏎ Cardfight!! Vanguard ⏎ Rating: 0 (of 5) ⏎ Hairstyling: -15 ⏎ Review: ⏎ Welcome to the thrilling world of Cardfight!! Vanguard, a world where shampoo no longer exists! This is the only logical explanation for the epidemic of bedhead that has struck all the protagonists in the show. I mean, just look at those spiky, gravity-defying hairdos. It's like they hired a character designer who used to work in topiary! Actually, that may not be too far-fetched, since the choppy, unrefined visuals make it look like the entire production was outsourced to the planet Mars. ⏎ Bankrolled by the Bushiroad game company—the same cretins who funded last season's zero-scoring Milky Holmes—Cardfight!! Vanguard is not so much an anime as it is a 25-minute commercial for the collectible card game of the same name. Aichi Sendou, who resembles a lost DeviantArt drawing, is a shy schoolboy whose only solace is his extremely rare "Blaster Blade" card. When bullies forcibly take the card from him, Aichi heads to the local game shop and challenges the supposedly unbeatable player who now owns his card. What follows is a groundbreaking moment in Japanese animation: the first-ever CCG instructional video embedded into an anime series. Between the overbearing synthesizer music, the jargon-loaded narration that still manages to miss important points, and the painfully cheesy sci-fi-meets-fantasy look of the "fighting in another dimension" scenes, this how-to-play segment will either leave you pleading for sweet death or (if you're like me) laughing uncontrollably at its sheer badness. And perhaps also wondering why collectible card game mechanics has remained essentially unchanged since Magic: The Gathering. ⏎ The real kicker, though, is that they got JAM Project to perform the opening theme. How is it that one of the most audacious anime theme song bands of all time, testosterone oozing from every lyric and electric guitars ablaze, got themselves pulled into this embarrassment where the protagonists are so "manly" that they do their fighting with little pieces of cardboard? Personally, I imagine myself entering the world of Cardfight!! Vanguard with a nice, heavy set of mahjong tiles. Now those babies do some real damage—especially when hurled at your opponent. ⏎ Cardfight!! Vanguard is available streaming on Crunchyroll. ⏎ Yumekui Merry ⏎ Rating: 2.5 (of...