Shelf Life

Bravo for Brevity

Apparently, I either eat people, or I have an army of slobbering zombies marching behind me. I recently got back from a fantastic weekend in New Jersey at Anime Next and nothing pleased me more than getting to meet a bevy of wonderful people. (Well, that and throwing in my luck with Kingdom Hearts trading figures and snagging both Sora and Jack Skellington amongst the three that I bought!) Anyway, I love meeting people at conventions, and believe me when I say this, it truly lights up my whole weekend when someone approaches me and tells me they read my column.

Imagine my surprise then, when a handful of people shyly sidled up to me later and itted that they had purposely avoided me the whole convention because they thought I was intimidating, and that I would tear them up. SAD EMO SMILEY = ME. Sweet little me? Tear people up? In real life? Not likely. I swear I'm friendly in real life, so the next time you're at a con that I'll be at, hit me up.

I'm shimmying on down to Anaheim in a week and a half to drop it like it's hot at Anime Expo so if it pleases you, gimme a friendly holler at my email address above. Or if you just want to be El Oh El Intarweb friends, I'm down wit' dat. If I find out later that you avoided me because you were scared of me, I'll tear you to shreds and eat you. Biznitch.

Only four again this week, but look out for some in-betweener columns coming your way soon. Welcome to Shelf Life.

Gunslinger Girl DVD 1 - Little Girls, Big Guns FUNimation 125 min. 1/3 $29.98 05/17/2005 There's something so melancholy and tragic about SaiKano. Tastes Like: Coffee beans. By themselves, they're bitter and incredibly hard to stomach, but under the right circumstances and brewed perfectly, they can be graceful and oh-so-addicting.

Yawara immediately come to mind, for more than just the obvious reason. It's the struggle of youngsters striving to be strong and dignified warriors like their role models that really make for a great story about the vitality of youth. Tastes Like: Spare ribs smothered in spicy barbeque sauce. Meaty, loud, dripping with virility, but with plenty of juice and individual flavor to spare.

Gilgamesh DVD 1 - Orphans of the Apocalypse ADV Films 125 min. 1/7 $29.98 06/21/2005 Dark, gorgeous, mysterious, eerie, suspenseful... All of these words could be used to describe the delicious style fest that is Gilgamesh. Notice, however, that “coherent” is not on the list. Chalk it up to being only the beginning of the series, but chic as the show may be, it doesn't make all that much sense. From what viewers know, a terrorist attack in the past caused a huge disaster that turned the once blue sky into a kaleidoscope of lights and colors. Now the world is dark and run down, but under all the spooky darkness, a war is brewing. On one side, you have Orga, a bunch of mutants who have a plethora of amazing powers. On the other is Gilgamesh, a creepy bunch of pretty people who work for the Evil Scientist™ that sent Earth into the purgatory it's currently in. Somewhere in between are two siblings who are being hunted down to repay someone else's debt, and are now caught in the middle of this epic struggle. What's immediately captivating about the disc are the visuals. Everything is sexy in a morose, Gothic way and the unique character designs give the series a dramatic flair. The only gripe I have right now is that I plain just don't really know what's going on. Who's who, what's what, and why is everyone fighting? I imagine that's the hook the production staff is aiming for though, and it sure as hell works because I can't wait to figure out what's actually happening. It may not make much sense right now, but definitely give Gilgamesh a glance, if only for the gorgeous visuals. Related products: X. X. X. X. X. This show screams “X” from every pore in its ultra-swank body, and I don't blame it. Tastes like: Dark chocolate. Seductive and smooth, it baffles in how it's able to make such a delectable treat out of something so bitter.

Girls Bravo DVD 1 Geneon 100 min. 1/? $34.98 06/21/2005 I'm not entirely sure yet, but this may be one of the worst shows that Geneon has ever released to date. From the first scene, it was one giant cliché after another, over and over again, with enough generic shonen romance gimmicks to choke a militia of lonely nerds. Within the first ten minutes of the show, I drummed up a long list of hateful clichés that were popping up like a field of daisies. Milquetoast hero Milquetoast hero who lives by himself in a big house Looks young and incredibly short for his age and its it Is allergic to girls Has a Girl Next Door who has been friends with him for a really long time She's a violent, self-centered bitch There are misunderstandings every 1.4 minutes that end with her injuring him He ends up somewhere else, where there's an astronomical girls to boys ratio He meets a sweet girl who HE'S NOT ALLERGIC TO!!!!! All the girls there want him She goes back to h— Wait. Why am I even bothering listing all these? I could keep updating this list until my keyboard burst into a vat of flames and still I'd be squinting at the screen, venting my sadness and displeasure at having watched this terrible show. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate some good ol' Love Hina Christmas Special or something and cool down this hot summer with something a bit more refreshing. Tastes like: Galveston, TX tap water. For something that's so damned common and boring to begin with, it sure tastes like shit.

And that's all she wrote. She being me, and wrote being typed. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you next week!