Shelf Life

Onegai Bamboo

Due to some unforseeable errors, last week's Shelf Life is being posted now. Thanks for your patience!

Welcome to this week's Shelf Life, brought to you from a variety of locations, ranging from somewhere in the sky, to my lair o' writing. When I first started writing this, I was perched within the bowels of a Boeing 737, hurtling across time zones from the gallant, mountainous regions of Northern Colorado to a population infested fun-spot with gimpy mountains. Now, a weekend later, I sit back in my old chair staring out at my old view with a suitcase full of stuff I'll never need and a wallet bereft of money. I decided the best way to heal my post-convention morbidity was to make myself nachos. By the time I reached the kitchen, I was getting really excited about the idea. My heart sank as I realized that the last one-third of the chip bag was filled with crushed fragments. How could I properly indulge in cheesy dipping delight when I had nothing but crumbs in the bag? Regardless, I shook them out into a plate and topped them with three heavy dollops of medium cheese. As I was screwing the cap back on the jar, I noticed with dismay that there was a furry clod of mold sitting underneath the lid. Hopefully it won't affect my nachos, right? I mean, the mold didn't actually touch my cheese yet... but what about the spores? The spores!!! I shoved the plate into the microwave, hoping that if I nuked the chips with enough radiation, the spores would die. As I stirred my clump of crumbs into an entity that looked like a freshly opened jar of Eukanuba Chicken Recipe Mix™ wet food for both canines and felines, I vainly hoped that the spores wouldn't tear a hole through my duodenum. In the event that I do die, however, I thank you for reading my potentially last Shelf Life. If I don't reappear next week, please take revenge upon my death and wage a war against the spores. Friends, let us unite and holler our battle cry against fungus: Spores Create Anti-Life!!!

And with that, I humbly welcome you to this week's Shelf Life.

Shelf Worthy Central Park Media 100 min. 1/1 $29.98 07/08/2003 My introduction to this series ocurred as I tried to sleep through a convention screening. I woke up the first time to the pounding drums of the opening theme and scared myself half to death with the bizarre images of frog-like aliens jumping around. The second time I woke up was to see a girl skate around with wings on her helmet. My final time waking up was to see tubes sprouting out of a girl's back. I finally learned my lesson and realized that this is show is detrimental to your sanity if you watch it half asleep. Based on the manga by OVA series tells a wonderfully bizarre and mildly dark tale about three girls who are elected to be in the Alien Party, a group of people who go around the school getting rid of all the aliens that pop up at random intervals. In addition to that, something even sneakier is going on—can the girls find out what it is before things get worse for everyone? Aside from the surprisingly unique storyline, what's really interesting is the art. Featuring gangly girls with aliens on their heads and scenes that can only be described as mildly perturbing, it brings out the disturbing nature of the series. One hardly ever expects to see cute girls rollerblading around with things sprouting out of their backs, so the shock value definitely works for the episodes as well. For fans who want to read the manga as well, Central Park Media will be releasing both in an ultimate collector's box soon. Until then, though, enjoy the anime. This show certainly possesses enough creative elements to warrant a place on your shelf.

CLAMP, Chobits is a series you don't want to miss.

AN Entertainment 80 min. 1/? $29.95 07/08/2003 Also known as Omishi Magical Theater, Lotte's Black Black chewing gum.” Whether it's cuteness you want, humorous adventures, or just random zaniness, AN Entertainment has graciously presented fandom with the chance to watch it all in Risky Safety. This isn't an opportunity to up—go buy this now.

Revolutionary Girl Utena Vol. #7: Temptation Central Park Media 100 min. 7/10 $29.98 07/08/2003 The Apocalypse Saga has finally begun and while the episodes get more and more bizarre, the story also kicks itself into one of the most exciting arcs in the series. To commemorate the start of this new saga, Central Park Media is giving fans the opportunity to buy the artbox for the series, with a T-shirt thrown in just for good measure. The disc kicks off with Nanami finding, of all things, an egg in her bed. Wow, I didn't know girls could lay eggs. Well, she didn't know either, which provides for some comedic entertainment in the scenes to follow. What really pushes the series ahead, though, is the episode that introduces a certain character, completing the triangle in Jury's life. From that episode on, the characters are explored more in depth and the dark secrets of Ohtori Academy are beginning to have some light shed upon them. If you ever thought that Utena was darkly intriguing before, this DVD will blow your pants off. All the characters' hidden agendas are starting to crack open, all their inner ions are being revealed—you can't call yourself a fan of Utena unless this is in your collection.

Bandai Entertainment 100 min. 3/6 $39.98 07/08/2003 As per Bandai tradition for their .hack so far, there's a big chance you're in the same boat as me, wondering about the coma girl and Tsukasa, right? Besides, with Bandai's impressive marketing skills, the packaging is something that's almost too good to up.

shounen adventurer in everyone. Check out this volume—it makes the entire series worth watching.

Rental Shelf Descendants of Darkness: Demon's Reckoning Central Park Media 100 min. 4/4 $29.98 07/08/2003 In the last disc of the series, the mysterious and oftentimes morbid Descendants of Darkness wraps up with a four-part story to answer any remaining questions about the characters. The story starts out innocently (and extremely slowly) enough with the characters investigation a string of murders in Kyoto. Before the viewers are even aware of it, we're plopped into a story about Muraki and a doctor that he knows and the latter's quest to further his research in human cloning. Problem is, the tissue from the dead subjects he keeps mysteriously obtaining isn't staying alive lone enough. Muraki helps him out by pointing out an immortal man, someone who may help the doctor in his quest. What this soon spirals down into is a chilling and horrifying tale about the motives of the characters, the pasts that they've had to confront, and the future that may lie ahead for them. While the opening part of this four-episode story is a bit boring, it soon escalates into an absorbing story that will make you wish that the series wasn't over so soon. This is certainly a disc that deserves a rental, if only for the last two episodes. Of course, if you've held out buying the series until now, you can be rewarded with a boxset of all four DVDs. Personally, I enjoyed this disc more than the prior three, but I don't know if I'd buy the entire series just for my overwhelmingly positive response to the last volume. Regardless of whether or not you buy it, though, just be sure you watch the last volume.

Lupin the 3rd TV Vol. #03: Family Jewels Pioneer Animation 125 min. 3/10 $24.98 07/08/2003 Alright... volume three... I'm getting tired of Lupin. I know, I know, I used to love this series, and I still do, but it's getting a little old. There are only so many times you can steal a diamond, or golden bear, or a Buddhist statue, or a scroll, or random-object-that-will-fall-into-the-wrong-hands with some inspector chasing after you the whole way before it starts to get a little repetitive. Luckily, I've found that the best cure for this is to allow yourself to only watch two episodes a week. This way, the adventures are still mostly fresh every time, and you don't get burned out as quickly. In this volume, Lupin goes chasing after jewels, but ends up getting chased by zombies halfway through. The gags are still mostly the same, and the hijinks are rather standard, but if watched only once in awhile, these stunts can be pretty fun. After all, Lupin does pull out some smooth lines with the ladies and his womanizing skills certainly have the ability to put a smile on some people's faces. Considering the age of the series, though, I can't say that the visuals are too heavily impressive, with the sometimes crusty animation. The female characters look largely the same, and the character design for the minor male characters seem a bit rushed. Regardless, it's a fun series, providing you don't overdose on it. If you're in the mood for some intentional comedy this week, this might be a fun way to take a look at for a quick rental.

Please Teacher Vol. #2: Meet the In-Laws Bandai Entertainment 75 min. 2/4 $29.98 07/08/2003 Have you ever had a crush on one of your teachers? That sudden feeling when they're lecturing you on Chapter 6 out of the history book and you realize, wow... that teacher has amazing eyes... Or when you idolize your teacher, picturing sketchily how nice it would be to run off with them and elope under the setting sun... ? Yeah? You've had that, too? Well, you're weird, because I was just kidding. Listen up kids—marrying your teacher is a bad thing. It probably gets you great grades in school, but really, it doesn't score you that many “cool points” with your pals at all. Keep that in mind this week when you watch the second volume of Ai Yori Aoshi. In fact, the art seems also stereotypic too, with the plastic faced scrawny guys and the unnaturally bosomy girls, but hey, if you like that kind of thing, you'll love this series. Besides, there's always a few sci-fi elements thrown in here and there that make it relatively unique, even for two minutes. If you're not sure if you like these kinds of series or not, I really recommend a rental for you. $2.99 never hurts as much as $29.98.

Anime 18 40 min. 3/5 $29.98 07/08/2003 Over the course of the last two DVDs, this series has gone from interesting to absolutely stupid, which is exactly the reason why I'm recommending it. Honestly, everyone needs a good laugh every now and then, and if this won't induce belly-aching guffaws from you, I don't know what will (next to the Art of Fighting). The first two DVDs were rather intriguing, separating itself from your average Dean of Student Activities over there, but I know it wouldn't rest to well at my school. Anyway, most of the scenes lack any everyday logic whatsoever, especially as to how certain people would act in certain solutions, but hey, it's entertaining, and that's what anime is for. I can't say much for the animation, but as far as the art goes, I'm glad that the character designs are unique and not like the cookie-cutter faces that normally go with hentai. All in all, this is an amusing release. It's certainly not as good as the previous volumes, but this is just so hysterically stupid that if you want to have a heckling good time, you have absolutely no reason to not watch it.

Card Captor Sakura Vol. #16 Pioneer Animation 100 min. 16/18 $29.99 07/08/2003 With only two more volumes to go after this, Card Captor Sakura pulls away from hinting at the final battle and settles back into more random fun with the characters. Sakura has some interesting adventures using the Mirror Card to do Christmas shopping, but hey, that would be too easy, so of course it doesn't work. What's fun to watch about this volume is the changing relationships between the three main characters. Li finally scrapes up enough courage to be open with Sakura, even if he accidentally hurts Meilin in the process. The scenes that surround this event are definitely worth watching if you're a Card Captor Sakura fan, just because the character interactions are ones that took so long to become dynamic. Other than that, there's not that much exciting about this DVD, but as the end of the series approaches, prepare for some excitement.

Sakura Wars TV Vol. #2: Overture ADV Films 100 min. 2/6 $29.98 07/08/2003 Sporting what is quite possibly the nicest DVD cover I've seen all week (okay, it looks like an amateur Photoshop job with too many filters, but the colors are so soft... ), the Sakura Wars TV series hits its second volume this week. Introducing a few new characters, viewers are left with the distinct impression that the creator needed to spend more time thinking up names. With people named Kouran the Brain and Kanna the Brawn, I was really expecting to see a historical appearance by Pepe the Short, but I was denied that pleasure. I can't really say that Sakura Wars has a driving point yet. So far, it's rather blasé, with a lot of character introductions and frivolous things like galas, but I can't really say that's a bad thing. If the series picked up and spent more time on character development rather than just introduction, that would really raise the level of the series beyond just having video game characters walk around in dresses. Anyway, if you were a fan of the games or the OVAs, then you definitely might be interested in the TV series. If anything else, it's worth renting just to try and figure out why the characters were so incredibly popular in Japan.

Perishable Item Art of Fighting Central Park Media 46 min. 1/1 $19.99 07/08/2003 Watching this brief movie was certainly an emotional experience for me. Halfway through the flick I was getting teary eyed, and before I knew it, I was bawling like a lost kitten. No, it wasn't that the film had any heart-wrenching moments or sorrowful tales of personal redemption. It wasn't even that the film was so bad that it made me cry. I just had a hard time breathing and keeping a straight face while I laughed until jubilant tears rolled out of my eyes and plopped onto my doubled over body. Art of Fighting is quite possibly one of the cheesiest movies ever made in video-game-based anime history and nothing anyone can say will ever convince me that the guys at M didn't license this as a colossal joke. Based on the fighting game of the same name, this movie features personality-less characters that are nothing like how they are in the game. In fact, one of the toughest chicks is portrayed as a cardboard-dry ditz who does nothing but wait for men to save her from a variety of perils. The movie opens with Ryo and Robert wandering around looking for work. Before you know it, some random plot twist is thrown into the otherwise pointless story and out of nowhere, large-scale fights erupt every five minutes. See, the fight scenes could be impressive if it weren't for the fact that the animation is choppy and old, the art is washed out and, well, old, and the dialogue is far too lame. Who's going to take a fight to the Ultimate Death seriously if some dude's asking for a girl's phone number halfway through? If I was in a battle to the Ultimate Death, I can guarantee you that finding a date to the movies would be the last thing on my mind. Perhaps some people have different priorities than me. Regardless, this is a release which has virtually nothing going for it except the fact that it's the greatest thing to rent if you and your friends want to have a heckle fest. There are so many things to make fun of in this movie that if you can sit through the thing without laughing out loud or making a wisecrack once, I'll eat my hat. Certainly, this is not something I'd waste my money on, but hey, if you're looking for joke fodder, this is the title for you.

Battle Arena Toshinden: Uncut Version Central Park Media 60 min. 1/1 $19.98 07/08/2003 Honestly, I don't think I could ever be scared of a bad guy named Gaia. Every time I picture that name, I see a half naked fairy-type woman prancing around in the moonlight with vines wrapped around her rated-R areas. Mental image aside, Battle Arena Toshinden is based off the fighting games of the same name and features a cast of fighters (most of whom only get under a minute of screen time in the two OVAs) kicking the crap out of Gaia and his horde of skill-copying cyborgs. The thing that separates these two episodes from the Art of Fighting is that there actually is something of a plot. The bad guys are trying to take over the world by creating modified humans that can copy the fighters' moves and then pummel them half to death with them. (Emulators always irked me in that I had to press 8 buttons to do a move, whereas in the arcade I could just swirl the joystick in a circle, but hey, if I had my own imitation cyborg, that'd be even better.) With the plot, the OVAs aren't 100% fighting, but that's the reason to watch such a show anyway. When the characters aren't punching each other, the animation is pretty bad, so it's not as visually appealing to see your beloved fighting characters walk across a screen as you might think. Either way, it's mildly entertaining to watch for those who enjoyed the games, but I certainly wouldn't go beyond a rental, and then only to kill time. In fact, forget the anime. Just go play the game. *cough* (801bc11a0009 R1+R2+L1+L2) *cough*

Venus 5 Anime 18 106 min. 1/1 $29.98 07/08/2003 OMGWTFLOLOMG!!!11!!! etc, etc... I have no other words for how rancidly BAD and yet oddly amusing doujinshi would be much better, because at least the art would be able as decent, rather than just girls who all look the same. (And did I mention that the talking cat has a human-sized... uh... human thing? Isn't that... not normal?) I'm having a bit of trouble further talking about this drivel, so if you'll excuse me, I'll end this here. If you really want to know about this disc, then by all means rent it, but I'm advising you—if it's hentai you want, there are much better ones out there than this.

That's it for this week's insanely long Shelf Life! I apologize for the delay—thanks for reading!